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PARENTS, PLEASE BE ADVISED: If you are a parent, it is your responsibility to keep any age-restricted content from being displayed to your children or wards. Furthermore, you represent and warrant that you will not allow any minor access to this site or services. This website should only be accessed if you are at least 18 years old or of legal age to view such material in your local jurisdiction, whichever is greater. Those will be listed below, but I want to leave you with one last thought.You are about to enter a website that contains explicit material (pornography). Resources that understand a black boy's struggle with meth and mental health. There are other resources out there if you feel the need to reach out to something or someone bigger. I hope you read this and know that someone stands with you, someone understands what you're going through, and someone accepts your story and narrative. I hope a young gay black boy is reading this right now. Looking back at my long history with these two, I wish I would have known any other black gay boy going through even something remotely similar. I wasn't able to even talk about what I was going through, because of all the stigmatization around being a black gay boy in a relationship with his depression who uses meth to numb the pain. I was eating very little (if anything at all) and drinking gallons of water. I spent that time binge-watching porn in between finding more drugs to continue numbing my senses. That one moment of wanting to be numb turned into a two-day-long binge. If you have ever been addicted to something, you should know, or maybe assume, that once you taste that "magic" again it never lasts, but you immediately start to seek out that same magic again. This was my first relapse in a very long time. The feeling of becoming numb outweighed the stress of dealing with my emotions. My head was screaming that we can/should do this. But I wanted to numb all emotions I felt at that time. I simply needed to sit with these emotions and process them. I knew in my heart of hearts that I shouldn't do it, that this moment of exhaustion and depression would pass. It's also referred to as parTy and play, chemsex, or Tina.
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Me: ABSOLUTELY I will be there in 5 minutes.įor those that don't know, using the capital "T" on hook-up apps typically is a way to communicate you want to use crystal meth. Him: Did you still wanna come over and hang ouT? I woke up the next day so drained that it hurt to move. I hadn't self-harmed in almost four years, so this was a nervous breakdown. I was sitting on the edge of my bed crying, unable to stop. Then all of a sudden, the minute I got home, "the monster" (which is what I call my depression) jumped me from behind. I went out with some friends, had a few cocktails, and had a really good night. My most recent tumble in this cycle was earlier this year.
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It never really makes things better, but it feels good at the time.
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Either way it's an "excuse" - or as a trained professional might recognize, it's an escape from my own reality. Meth gives me the "excuse" to not leave the house for days on end. Depression gives me the "excuse" to numb myself. Whenever I have a really bad meeting with the depression monster, the one thing I know that can numb me faster than any other substance is meth. What started with a quick snort quickly spiraled into years of addiction, depression, and chasing acceptance.Ĭrystal meth was the substance I found to always be in close proximity to my depression.
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I wanted to explore, which was really code for being reckless and dangerous. I survived an abusive parent, being poor, in a neglectful family, and graduated high school (barely). At that age I thought I was able to conquer anything. I was introduced to this substance at the young age of 18. You turn on the lights, check under the bed several times, and even though you can't see it, it's still there.ĭuring my fight with the depression monster, I would eventually find out he had a bestie that I would be equally addicted to. I once described depression as a monster that hides under your bed. Depression in itself feels like a being on a drug that I can't quite shake. Since my diagnosis I have struggled with drug use, sometimes self-medicating with illegal or underground substances to feel better and other times with prescription antidepressants that zombified my personality. I was about 13 or 14 when I was able to actually name it - with the help of therapy. I have struggled with depression since my early teenage years. There are two that are the most misunderstood and most stigmatized - depression and crystal meth.
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I am a person learning how to live with a past of addiction while dealing with moments of relapse in the present. Life is a complicated beautiful mess, and mine is no different.